ishoos

So how do one deal with ones issues once one´s got a clue what they are?

Any suggestions will be happily recieved.

(Dreaming of running away in a mini bus amidst palm trees and the sound of a surf. )

(Feeling like not enough.)

glasgow

Sometimes calmness is found in other places. This city is both known and unfamiliar to me. A restlessness has sunken down into the bottom of my stomach were it lies peaceful.

highpoint: falling asleep in the september sunshine under the strongest and most beautiful angel in the necropolis, on the hill where she sits overlooking the city.

everything unknown

Today I was hanging out with one of the smallest persons on this earth. She rocked.
Then all of a sudden I became aware of the fact that everyone walking by on the street had been that small, and how weird it is when u think about it. I was also thinking about how everything is unknown when you see it for the first time. Like a chair - to a baby it's not even a mystery, you just accept it as a fascinating part of a world that grows bigger everyday.

moving out...

Some days ago my sister and I spoke about comfort zones, and how they can be a safe enclosure. Then yesterday I found a book that was given to me almost ten years ago. In the front cover my friend agnes has written: "It says somewehere in this book that decisions should be made out of courage, not fear." And so I moved out of comfort zone to do just that.
Was it a good or a bad thing? Time will tell.

Highpoint: moving out of the comfort zone
Lowpoint: worrying about what it will or will not mean

I was going to tell you about some things I noticed lateley, but instead I will leave you with this video:

It is from the village Nuevo San Jose in Guatemala where I once met this girl named Katie. She took me into a hen house to show me how the birds sang in the dark.

Later that week I tried to climb a small montain to impress her, but fell down and scratched my arm instead. "Boys are show offs" she said as we watched a guy climb all the way up.

"Girls are too" I thought as I wiped the mud from my arms and legs.

About the now: tooth ache. Someone let the air out of my bike tires last saturday, and stole the basket. A tomato going red on the balcony. Writing cheesy things, mostly.

A sort of restlessness has crept up on me, a feeling of not being content, the intensity of the summer momentarily overshadowed. I think it´s the autumn, my favourite season. Altough I love that crisp smell in the air, the changing colours, the hunt for mushrooms and blackberries and the naked feeling of entering a cold lake or sea, knowing it´s probably for the last time...it has a tendency to depress me a bit.

Went around town aimlessly trying on clothes yesterday, not really knowing what I needed and not wanting to get anything that I don´t need. Got into that whole who am I really mood in front of all the mirrors. So many people you could be on the outside.

This is me some weeks ago, trying on a dress for almost twenty minutes. The cool thing about it that you probably don´t notice is that it has a pattern of tiny farmers on it.

(But I didnt get it. The time is yet to come when you will see me in a white fluffy dress.)

Knock on wood

This morning everything went very well: I managed to sell my camera at twelve a clock and then had time to put the money in the bank, get a fallefel for lunch, retrieve my repaired mobile phone AND making it in time for the one a clock train to work. All the while I heard this little stupid voice in my ear: now that the day started so well it can only get worse...

...and five minutes ago I emptied my newly refilled mug of steaming hot tea all over the desk...but it really doesn't matter. The day is mine anyway.

Attitude

This one goes out to people who know how to change bad situations into good using their attitude. Like this morning when I did´t hear the alarm clock and woke up one and a half hours to late, biked as if my life was in danger (probably endangering it), missed the second bus anyway and screwed up the whole morning. Feeling like a complete failure I was then met at work by a photographer in a great mood, saying things like lugna puckar - no worries and now that the day started so bad it can only get better. See, attitude is really everything. Especially when it comes to people around you.

I might as well remember it cos its highly probable that I will be horribly late for something quite important some day again.

And you might as well remember it cos it's quite possible that it will happen to you too.

Or to anyone near you and then you will know that the best thing is to say Lugna puckar.

This summer is in ways very intense. Maybe a week ago I was about to cycle across a road in the night time, fast music in my ears and a good feeling in my stomach, when I found myself suddenly becoming cautious, reluctantly breaking in front of the pavement. Then I heard myself thinking Please don´t get run over by a car right now when you love life so much
Yesterday though, I really did almost get run over, but my body was to tired to pump around any adrenalin.

I found a store selling things-forgotten-on-the-train and was amased by what people once forgot. Bought a nice pink t-shirt I imagine was left by a girl with beach blond hair who likes surfing and who isn't afraid of sharks like I am. She would never think Please dont get eaten by a shark today - she would just chase the next wave.

Through to the other side.

Ok. So I admit it. It happened and I survived. Turned out the ground that I rested upon wasn't a house after all. I don't even think I am resting. I long to move, to reach for things, places, rythms and people to see them more clearly.

I didn't even cry when the keys were handed over to the quiet young man with the smile in the corner of his mouth. The shell of my past his future. Maybe some things are just to basic to grasp in one mind: like the passing of time, the passing of houses, the passing of people.

As for now I think I have a bit of a crush on the future.

to come: notes on the currently ongoing summer

small things

This is me and my friend sara watching the tiniest ducklings ever to be seen in the castle park of Göteborg, making their way through the water weeds and hunting mini mosquitos. There is something about small things that makes me want to take them in my palm and have them. A feeling that I have the right to, somehow.

We walked for nearly two hours and it rained on us and I felt a lot calmer afterwards.

Highpoint: the walk and the ducklings. finding a painting I made 14 years ago. saras flatmates cat relactantly letting me stroke it. the omelet that sara made. all the activities on the balcony.

Lowpoint: feeling restless and unsatisfied and worrying about the future.

Mission: a good nights sleep. Getting through the things I have in front of me this weekend and maybe do some dancing in between. Experience more magic moments.

skyes opening orange

Can´t really draw a picture of the perfectness of this day but here it is in points:

made breakfast, listening to Nat King Cole and pretending I was a B n B, while bobo kept sleeping.

Had breakfast with 3 good friends on balcony.

Wore new orange sweater.¨

Sun in the neck.

Saved someone from a giant wasp, without killing it.

Walk in the park and watched seals being fed fish.

Went to school and out again.

Walked with selma and Bike home.

Invited mum and katarina for apple pie on the balcony.

Discovered baby birds in one of the air shafts of the house.

Did laundry.

Then a sudden longing to be sucked into something otherworldy kicked in, for being enclosed in a dark, safe space, believing in vampires and the power of impossible love and in being able to fly.
Went out in the storm while the skies opened, wanting a feeling of exhaustion in my stomach or to find a world of magic and old times and dark hovering castles, roaring seas, good versus evil.

(Now I am sitting here with a movie about great white sharks threatening the entire human race. Or at least California.)

I messed up in the laundry today. I always do. First I lost the key to the drying room and then there was an angry note on it that said that it should have been emptied an hour ago: I had booked the wrong one. Luckily I found the key with the help of a friend. Angry neighbours freak me out though. I don’t get the thing with neighbours. Living next to and on top of and underneath people but never communicating with them, except through notes on drying room doors. It’s weird and a bit sad.

Had a nice talk with a lady by the seal pond this morning though. She thought it looked creepy that the seals were lying motionless at the bottom of the pond. I calmed her by assuring that they were just sleeping.

The older you get, the more of the things you pictured happening in your mind will happen.

Houses will be sold and people you never got to know will die. Possibilities will slip away. Maybe the possibility of reconicilliation, or of knowing the person you came from slightly better.

I had a note with the adress on it but no one lives there anymore and I keep thinking of how much his dog (whom I never met) must long for him, not knowing about death and how it means that people are gone forever.

Lilac leaf

This morning I was back under the poppies, sat down in the same chair that I sat in until the library closed last night.
I have this lump in my stomach and I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s like I know it’s in me, but when I need it I suddenly can’t bring it out. (Deadlines always used to work on me.) I had an unexpected visitor yesterday, a friend arriving straight from abroad to sit at my kitchen table drinking tea and talking about things like death and relationships and mucking out shit from a barn in England. It was great.

highpoint of Today: hanging out with little Sara. She rocks.

favourite word of today: syrenbuskblad

half hearted poppies going crazy

My view today: lavender blue and golden wallpaper; a hundred year old poppies going crazy.

My lunch today: Half hearted. (Half defrosted fallafell with ketchup and mexican salsa in a small plastic box. Soy chocolate milk and lime water in a bottle of Loka from the day before yesterday.)

Woke up feeling like I partied all night long and then forgot about it. (Or as if I’d been sleeping in a tent.) Aching body, moody mind.

Phoned a man I need to interview for an article, to remind him. He spoke to me like I was a little school girl, just like the last time. “Didn’t I reply to your email? Oh poor you. But now you get to practice what it is like to be a real journalist, when you have to chase people.”

(And the first time: “Tell your supervisor that I think you should be more precise.”)

Oh poor me. Woke up on the wrong side and still have to be nice on the phone.

(Isn’t there a short story about a woman who disapperars and hides behind a wall paper? I think it is called: The wallpaper.)

No time really but...

...just wanted to show you the view from my permanent spot lately: my computer, other people's thoughts in my words, my kitchen, my kitchen table, the plants I am nurturing into being.

Highpoint: when I thought I was nearly done and onto something great

Lowpoint: when I started making soup and drawing a picture in photoshop and then it was 9:15 and I wasn't done and the great slipped away

Mission: Get onto the great and get done...after having some tomato soup...oh well.

Oh...

..and anyone who wants to can from now on leave comments. Not that I am expecting anyone to, I am simply putting out there that there is a new possibility.

They have names

So I found out that the pigs have names. They are called: måla, sötnos och vovven. (paint, sweetie and doggy)

lowpoint: being indecisive. not writing. pms. my mum having a bad toothache.

highpoint: being accompanied by selma on the balcony. having a new thing for my beans to climb on.

mission: get up at eight. walk fast. meet supervisor. write more that ever. then dance.

The freakiest dream

Ok, so I had the freakiest dream, and woke up in a sweat:

Me and my friend Paulina are biking through a forest, happy and chatting, when first I and then she falls into a lake. We laugh but it's kinda cold and soon we realise that it's quite hard to get out...we try to reach over the edge and get a grip but the road is slippy and there is a deer standing there. I don't really care about it, it just happens to be where I need to get out, but the deer get's cross and starts walking towards us, then it jumps into the lake and attacks us. We start swimming and it follows us and kicks us with it's front legs. I am trying to protect my myself with a red tennis racket but it is really no use.

Any ideas as to what this means?

Integrity and pride, and things sprouting

I feel a sudden need for integrity and so I find it hard to write.

Today is the first of may, the day of the workers. And so I stay at home, working.
Took a walk early this morning through a street I didnt know, found a hammock to slowly swing in for a while, letting the sun (sifiting through a tenderly green birch tree) play on my eyelids. Then through the graveyard, it was still as always, full of the history of life.
The pigs greeted me loudly as I walked past, and didnt care to hide their disapointment when I didnt bring food. One of them even threw itself on the ground right by the fence, pretending it was weak with hunger. I knew better. Pigs are always hungry. (as am I)

Highpoints of Lately: when I pondered on my bookshelf and my eye was caught by two books my friend has written and I felt a sudden pride rise up inside me: My friend has her name on the spines of two books!

All the things sprouting on the balcony: spinach, rocket sallad, carrot, onion, beetroot and radishes. And on the window sill: cress, sweet pea, rose bean, sweet basil and lemon grass, thyme, tomatoes, sun flowers and things I forgot what they are.

Mission: Stay inside and do my work all day (all week), then have a pick nick, maybe by the sea.

Outdoors

Spent a lot of time outdoors lately:

*digging a trench for old bushes with new neighbours, chatting and getting sweaty together in the spring sun.
* Hanging out on the beach with selma and sister, one sunbathing, the other collecting shells and the third shewing old dried mussels and smelly sea weed.
* Raking grass and moss into piles by the summer house, full of contradicting feelings of home, happyness, opposition and sorrow.

Spent a lot of times with good friends lately:

* Bobo came over, ate, watched buffy with me and stayed over on the sofa.
* Sara, Vanja, Nedine and Sara came over for dinner, playing games and laughing loud. I felt distant but enclosed in friendship.
* Little Sara and I made a translation test together, biking home and going it over in our heads, then making dinner and eating it out in the garden while the sun set.

Thank you life for that.

Highpoint: all of the above.
Lowpoint: feeling distant and restless for many days in a row.
Mission of Tomorrow: getting out of bed at seven for a (semi - I dont do the waving of arms thing.) power walk (or the frantic pace...)
getting back into writing.

tip

I will soon be going to bed but first I want to tip you about this remarkable homepage: http://www.bakemyday.se
So much imagination.

Today I have worked some, cooked twice, eaten, biked, danced and watched the first episode of the first season of Angel, which took just over a week to download.

My balcony is a mess of empty pots and boxes, half filled bags of dirt and shivering plants. I am impatient for the seeds to grow on my windowsill, and for my five articles to be finished.

highpoint: either missing or forgotten...maybe making plans with bobo about tomorrow night? Or coming up with a disposition for the first article.

mission of Tomorrow: Interview Vasudeva Das at Nimai house. Transcribe and work on article two and three. If sunny, plant peas and spinach in the boxes. Hang out with bobo and watch some vampire slaying,

Treasures

Yesterday I was out in the country fighting rasberry weeds, when I found something. I have come to this place every summer in my whole life, still, it held a hidden treasure, half burried in the ground under some pine trees: A magnificent swirl design made out of rusty iron.

One of my favourite things in the world is hunting for treasures. Walking or climbing with eyes searching the ground and then that pleasant feeling when something lovely or wondrous appears before them. The excitement of picking it up and holding it in my palm, or dig to find out what it is.
Some days ago me and Sam visited an island, where I have lived a few times. It is ful of ancient history in the form of celtic crosses and whitering ruins, but my favourite place is an old dump: an environmental catastrophe at the northest edge of the island. It holds broken bottles and ancient medicine jars, ugly plastic wrapping from the sixties and an abundance of rusty metal. I love it.

lowpoint of Today: not doing any work but still staying inside the whole day pretending that I was.

mission of Tomorrow: Write an article. Buy balcony boxes and plant some more seeds.

All of a sudden

All of a sudden it was summer and we found ourselves up on a montain overlooking the city, having pick nick with purple eggs, fennel sallad, whiskey and comforting chocolate cake, playing games where we pretended to be things like porridge or tornados or business men needing to pea or dogs with three legs, falling over in the soft moss and laughing like children. What a great day. I need to pack now for my trip tomorrow.

Nedine told us about her dream of a half manta/half sting ray that killed itself in shallow water. I checked it out and dreaming of a manta ray means:

Fluidity of movement and the ability to lay low and camoflauge oneself (especially emotionally). The dream can mean that you either have to much or too little of these qualities.

Anything that swims in deep water is normally symbolic of deep unconsious aspects of the dreamer...are you realising something about yourself, something that is moving towards the surface...?

I once had a close encounter with a sting ray in Belize. I swear I could feel it thinking.

Prejudice about Värmländska /Warmlandish

Yesterday I met with the guy who owned the apartment before me, in court. We sat on opposite sides of a table saying opposite things about the stupid floor issue.

He looked a bit like an elf with pale alabaster skin and huge black eyes like ponds deep in a forest. His features were very fine and kind of frail. His hair, straight and black, fell in strands passed his high cheek bones down to his chin. Like an elf or a vampire.

But he had this way of speaking: his voice very loud and deep and a thick accent that made me think of tractors and countryside, and he blurted out the words so that I started imagine him on a trimmed moped somewhere on a country road, on his way to "town" to get a hot dog with "the boys" at the local hangout kiosk.

Then I realised that a famous and admirable writer must have spoken like that. She lived on a big mansion in the area in the last century, writing books about very serious things, but also books that children would love. Also, she had mistresses.

We reached an agreement on 5000 crowns.

-

So days pass all the time and they are filled with things: a long train journey, books and thoughts and favourite candy from grandma days.
A quiet and peaceful place in a pine and birch tree forests, over looking a frozen river. A girl wearing sandals in a landscape covered with snow: I had never been to that part of Sweden before.
A meeting, listening, discussions, thoughts. The whole world and all the trees and fields and little cottages outside the window and one question: Am I only living on the surface of it all?

Thinking of the picture my friend Vanja gave me when we were picking raspberries in the woods last summer: That the trees with all their branches are really upside down, that the branches are in fact roots that reach into the earth that we are enclosed in. Try that image next time you are in the woods or in a park, and let me know how you felt.

Highpoint: getting seeds from Paulina. Having cookies and coffee with sara and oli. Managing to work concentrated for five hours straight.
Mission of Tonight: phoning mamma.
Mission of Tomorrow: Finish transcribing, get hold of an atheist, dance with all my heart and write with all my heart

Need to breathe...

When I watered the crocuses on my balcony today I accidentally soaked a little bumblebee...it hummed very angrily at me and flew away. Later on I caught a rabbit eating off all the spring flowers on the ground outside our apartment building.

It has been an emotionally draining day. I feel as though Im being uprooted, if thats even a word...as if the ground that I am resting on is being taken away. And it sounds kinda silly to say: It's a house, a house is the ground that I rest on. I even pondered on such things as the meaning of life and life after death today.

So I think calmness is needed, som space to breath in, borrowed from a bus ride in the United States, in another time.

Highpoint: Sitting by the oceac watching the sun set with Paulina.

I have lost three...

I have lost three mittens in one and a half week. Am beginning to think it's some kind of weird spring sign. No, but seriously; if anyone sees them, please tell them to come back home since my hands are still cold.

Highpoints of the weekend: The amazing meal with the hare krishna guys, earth our with elin at Kellys in candlelight.

Mission of tomorrow: A train ride. And possibly buying a diktafon.

Tired.

Visited a monastery. Met with my supervisor. Bought a green hoodie. Read a book about growing things on balconies.

highpoint: Lai Thai is back on the kings square, and she still remembers I want the peanut sauce.

The purple giraff

Last night I dreamt that my mum was showing me tatoos that I did not know she had. They were from her youth and childhood and she told me the stories behind them. I especially remember a little pink giraff with purple spots. It was a bit faded, but I was pleasently surprised to see it.

I googled a bit to try and find the meaning of a giraff tatoo, but the closest thing I found was lions and palm trees, which means "sweet journey to the south seas" and "strenght and bravery".

I also googled "dreaming of a giraff". The possible meanings I found was:

1.That I should stick my neck out, extend myself and take chanses.

2.The giraff (me) has it's head in the clouds and needs to get back down to earth.

3. The giraff (me) is awkwardly trying to eat grass, indicating that being down to earth is'nt always practical.

4. I want to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground while viewing the horizon clearly.

Highpoint of today: as often, cycling fast listening to music in the dark, making a descisision, tasting the great food that hungry sara made

Mission of Tomorrow: Not forget to meet the hare krishna guy at two. Make more things happen.

saturday night...

It is saturday and I am already in bed. Happy that the internet is working again. A neighbour is playing old music really loud, right now a deep woman's voice is singing something that reminds me of an old movie.

Yesterday we watched the bollywood movie Dil se, it means with all my heart. It was intense and I would recommend it to annyone.

Today I: worked, walked in the botanical garden, held a dogs head in my lap in a sofa, cried ofter a passed dissapearing in a near future, read the paper in the bath

Highpoint of Yesterday (well, technically today): When I was getting closer to home, right after midnight, killing in the name of with Rage against the machine came on the radio. Its amazing what music that was once lodged in your brain can do with you.

queen of Högsbo...

The highpoint of today was getting a postcard from my bestest swimming friend agnes, who lives in poland. Instead of my regular surname she had written : "Mary queen of Högsbo" in the adress field. It made me laugh out loud. It goes way back to the times when we were 19 and I lived on a small scottish island and wrote letters to her about a beautiful gardener that I was too shy to ever speak to. On every letter or postcard she sent me she had scribbled "Mary queen of scots", it made me slighty embarrased and slightly proud every time I went to pick up my post. Sometimes I miss those times.

I also went for a walk today, with my mum and her dog and her friend, out on Amundön. We had sandwiches in the sunshine on a cliff overlooking sea, and we spoke about how much we don't get filosophy, and what might happen when you die, and how often you need to buy really good new shoes. We also saw 31 swans fly in the skye.

Today I:
*painted a piece of furniture
*had a realisation about myself which I might share tomorrow
*cut the third finger on the same hand in three days (index finger, left hand, grater)
*watched the first episode on the last cd of Buffy season four, but this time with lovely friend sara.
*washed the dishes for the first time since friday. (it included all my glasses, plates and knives)
*danced like a maniac
*cycled very fast

highpoint of Today: Dancing like a maniac. Seeing a tram reflected in a pond in the park: a perfect row of yellow rectangels, by an orange road, under a starry skye, and then me, on my bike.

Mission of Tomorrow: Not cut any more fingers (but buy plasters just in case). Do the washing up. Close my eyes and turn my face to the sun at least one time.

Spring in the moomin valley

In a minute I will go out into the sunlight to see bobo's new house and take a walk under the blue skye. But first I just want to share these signs of spring with you:

A few days ago the care taker was trimming trees outside my window.

Spring has come to the moomin valley.

Friday the 13th...

Yesterday was Friday the 13th and here is what happened to me:
1. I cut my finger when opening a bottle of fine olive oil.
2. My blender or stavmixer broke when I was making hommous.
3. A huge light buld fell from a shelf and broke into a thousand pieces in the hallway.
4. An ATM machine ate my visa card.

But there were good things also:
1. I found out I have job in the summer.
2. I threw a party and nice people came.
3. We went out dancing and it was fun.
4. I didn't fall off my bike on the way home.

You have requested pictures of the pigs, and since I still don't have a functioning camera I have been forced to steal them from somebody elses blog. Here they are anyway:

Photograph by Christina Ahl.

The arrival day...

Today is the day of two arrivals:
Three small fury spotted pigs. When they ran around inspecting their new home their ears flapped. I think I already love them. (Promise pictures soon.)
A blue sofa. If it fits through the doorway. Im going to get it now, anna and I are renting a small truck.
Small pigs small truck big sofa.

Highpoints today: Breakfast with bobo until three o clock. End of Buffy season four. Walk in the sunshine with bobo. Pigs arriving. Dinner with anna.
Mission of Tomorrow: Working out. Telling sara the truth about watchning the end of buffy, season four, without her...

Im so excited...

Today I noticed that a house has arrived for my new neighbours the pigs. I am anxiously awaiting their arrival. At first I thougth the idea of locally produced piglets slightly west to the centre of a town was a crazy idea, but now I cant wait for them to come. I will watch them from my balcony everyday, and maybe feed them some potato peel so they will start to like me. And if someone talks about eating them I will steal them and keep them in my bath tub, like they did in a book I read when I was a kid. Honestly, I will!

Heavy head = light feet

International women's day...whoo-ho... a light snowfall turned into heavy rain and made a biker soaked and cold...now her head is heavy and her throath in sore and she is thinking that maybe it is just as well cos she will miss the 8th of march rally anyway due to the weekly zumba class. Let us just hope that a heavy head and a sore throat means light feet and flexible hips.

happy international women's day to sisters everywhere!

Why do I always do this?

Why do I always win auctions on the swedish equivalent of e-bay, when I dont really want the thing I am bidding on? And why am I so honest and pay the 25 crowns for the thing, the ten crowns for the bubble wrap and the 37 crowns for postage?
Last buy: Two flat tin boxes, one that says "goggles" and once kept a pair of sunglasses. The other one used to keep crayons I think. I dont have any crayons. I have a lot of tin boxes. I used to collect them. I dont anymore.

Mission of Tomorrow: celebrate friend vanjas birthday. Not buying things off the internet (unless they look like a sofa...or that really cool tin easter egg I found a couple of weeks ago...)

In the last couple of days:

Had two answers: one hopefully positive but a bit secretive: "You are on my list. It is looking quite bright for you. That is all I can say."
One that made me realise I shouldnt have asked the question because it made my stomach go numb: "I had the beginnings of a crush on someone."

Then a happy dog and a handsome man looked through my apartment, the dog wagged its tail. They found a tiny bit of mould under the kitchen sink, and also on the cleaning rags I keep in my bathroom. The dog got a yellow ball when it found them, threw it in the air and wagged even more. I didnt have to give them any money, maybe because the man liked me. Or because the dog wasn't a professional.

New motto

Yesterday I cycled past an advertisment board that said: "What you dream is just as important as what you do." This is exactly what I have suspected all along. Think I will make it my new motto, it is way more comforting than what I had before: "Your choices, rather than your abilities, define who you are", said by a famous writer. Or maybe I will put them together: "Your dreams, rather than your choices, define your abilities." Oh, I am such a great person. I have as many lovers and mistresses as Orlando and great things are being created all the time. In my mind.

highpoint hello...?

Ok, so no real highpoint of the day. Or actually, this is my highpoint now...Its over midnight, I changed my mind about going out, now listening to classical music on the radio, sitting by my kitchen table reading bloggs about other peoples nights out.

You may not know it yet, but one of the aims of this blog is that Im going to start writing a book soon. This will be where I keep my outline. I already posted a note on Julie. One of the chapters will be about someone named Katie. I will tell you mote about it next week.

...

Walked around in a bit of a daze today. My hair feels strange after the hair cut I had yesterday. I have little read marks in various parts of my body, a reminder of the hairdressers fluffy kitten who mixed me up with a really good climbing tree.

Highpoint of Today: Still coming up.
Mission of Today: Get away from the computer, get to work, go dancing.

Kill your darling...

...might be the most useful thing I learnt in journalist school. Seriously, there´s so many areas you can apply it to in life...like home decorating, eating or sleeping...maybe most areas except in a relationship...

Fish

I read today in the paper that vitamin D is better for curing colds than vitamin C... This means my well tried lemon-and-ginger cure should be swopped to fish.
I actually had fish a couple of times in the last month. I dont mind the taste really, but the consistensy...and when I realise that what I am eating once had eyes I feel like a really bad person. Remember snorkling in Belize and chasing the funny looking creatures around rocks and corrals in shallow waters...to quote a shark: "Fish are friends, not food."

Fish is the new lemon?

Otherwise today: Lots of thoughts running around my head, a chaotic kitchen that's being slightly rebuilt, another trip to Ikea, nice coffe time with class mates (we talked about stolen bikes) and soon mashed potatoes and soy sausages with my mum. Then some sweaty dancing, and then another day.

Left behind

Had to leave Bike behind when trying to get home early this morning. I danced on a boat with friends and when I got out a snow storm had swept through our normally welcoming bike friendly town. Bike and I drunkenly slipped and slided for half an hour before Number One Tram showed up like a rescuing hasselhoff in the misty ocean of snow and night.

Mission of Today: Get out of bed. Recycle.
Suspected high point of Today: Starting the new zumba class with sara and vanja.


Bike and me in San Fransisco

"What you see...

...is what you get" I said, describing my current religious view of life/death. "I agree" said my friend Bobo, who is into the indian Oneness movement. "What you see is what you get. But I believe that there is more to see.."

Some people see more.

I won ten crowns...

...on a lottery ticket I just bought in the hope that it would pay for the broken tooth and the broken bike. Turned out that the bike couldnt handle the cold. In addition to having a flat tyre. At least the mechanic promised to have it fixed by three a clock, so I can bike to work. Trams are expensive and not very trust worthy.
Someone admirable said good things about my writing today. I kept waiting for something negative but it never came. I think it made my day, maybe my week, at least until monday. My mood is a bit fragile these days.

No dont do it...

...dont update your blog instead of commenting on essays! Get out of here. Now.

Broken

Yesterday: Broken teeth, broken bike, broken people on telephone lines.
Today: New ID card finally, cold retrieval of broken bike, finding reasons not to read essays, not finding reasons not to read bitter gay blog.
Do I nead more real life around me?

Dandruff day

Snow fell light today, landing on everyones shoulders like an amazing amount of dandruff. Heard a song I kicked ass playing in piano class when I was ten, and realised how long life is, and that you in fact have several life times in one. Then I spent some time being angry at some secret neighbour that had stolen my laundry time, before realising it's not tuesday until tomorrow. Managed to do the laundry anyway.

Phantoms

Today we played phantoms hiding behind trees, for Milkymee's music video. The high point was walking home with the setting sun in my eyes and the sound of the frost under my shoes, a bit like chewing hard bread. And talking. Some dreams have been lazily planted in the back of my head, like ghosts hanging in my hair and waving in front of my eyes.

What did I do to today...?

Today was one of those days when you have one big thing you have to do, and therefor dont leave the house to do anything else, but end up not doing the thing either. I think the high point of the day was watching an episode of the old eightes series "Highlander". I remembered it as being really good, but now it sucked. I sincerely hope there is another high point coming up.

Adrian Paul is "the Higlander", Duncan Macleod. He is so cheesy, and his hair is greasy.

completely calm

Today I wore my working out clothes all day but ditched the gym twice. First to go on a long walk with a friend: we discovered new buds on the ground in the forest.

The second time to enjoy my own peace of mind in my own piece of home, with some candy. Looking for candy, I discovered:

* all the might-be-selling-candy stores close at four on sundays

* a new view

* that the pig's fence is nearly finished

* a full moon

* the greatness of walking around my neighbourhood in the dark

* the tickling sensation of (finally) entering a late-open store wearing two pairs of woolly socks, one of them rainbow coloured.

Strange mood today. Woke up with a sadness. In the afternoon I walked under the trees, eating fallafel. Looking up at the naked branches the thought came to me that they would never bloom again. Maybe winter has finally caught up with me. I saw a big white dog observing me and half wished that it would tear itself from its owner and come running at me.

The angel

My heart started to pound before I reached her. I could tell from far. She was one of those that come alive. Between the great wing and her shoulder I found the angle where she was a human being.

On the bus between Oslo and Gothenburg a woman was sitting across the isle from me. She had the stone angels profile. She was reading a book about zombies, and once she caught my eye.

Faces in krakow

Glorious morning

Head heavy from smoke but light from newly awaken dreams. My morning was perfect, walked through Krakow with Coldplays newest album in my ears, a borrowed camera in my hand. Pictures started coming to me and it was like being born again, or waking up for the second time that morning. The café we re in has a french and a polish name, and three bikes in a corner.

The third time in Krakow...

...is here and now. And I am the same person everywhere. When I was on my way and in the air it felt like my heart sank into its right place. I always seem to find myself in middlelands. I think I love that feeling, which is why I seek it.

Sound

...is so important for my well being... the absence of sound, memories of voices, music on the radio... Right now light and silence, except a distant murmur from above (neighbours) make this place, this one room that I occupy and that is entirely my own. The result is homely, dreamlike and sleepy. (If that was a description of a place in a guide book, I would go there.)

Watch out...

...there is a big wave washing in. Why are expectations so powerful? And so complicated when mixed in with friendship?

Disappointment

My disappointment usually comes in the form of a great wave, washing over me and toppling me over, leaving me gasping for air.
Yesterday it came like a fog, slowly creeping in, making things blurry around the edges and leaving me indecisive and kind of heavy hearted.
I think it is starting to clear again now. Getting easier to move through.

This man is a great poet. Stay tune for some of his, yet unpublished, work.

"It´s like magical or something."

We´re In California, at dusk, quite a long time ago. Maybe 2005, definately in the autumn. Her name was Julie and her car was full of vitamin bars. She looked for a new place to live, someplace where her soul would settle. We were on our way to Santa Barbara, to see if that was it.

nyårsdagen glad
ett favorituttryck: hög och klar (om himmel)
jagar årets första bebis

det finaste igår var att stå rakt under
när himlen exploderade i färger
och tycka om mänskligheten
i form av vänner
sedan cykla hem

en liten oro av en lessen röst i telefonen strax innan tolvslag nummer två