A sort of restlessness has crept up on me, a feeling of not being content, the intensity of the summer momentarily overshadowed. I think it´s the autumn, my favourite season. Altough I love that crisp smell in the air, the changing colours, the hunt for mushrooms and blackberries and the naked feeling of entering a cold lake or sea, knowing it´s probably for the last time...it has a tendency to depress me a bit.

Went around town aimlessly trying on clothes yesterday, not really knowing what I needed and not wanting to get anything that I don´t need. Got into that whole who am I really mood in front of all the mirrors. So many people you could be on the outside.

This is me some weeks ago, trying on a dress for almost twenty minutes. The cool thing about it that you probably don´t notice is that it has a pattern of tiny farmers on it.

(But I didnt get it. The time is yet to come when you will see me in a white fluffy dress.)

Knock on wood

This morning everything went very well: I managed to sell my camera at twelve a clock and then had time to put the money in the bank, get a fallefel for lunch, retrieve my repaired mobile phone AND making it in time for the one a clock train to work. All the while I heard this little stupid voice in my ear: now that the day started so well it can only get worse...

...and five minutes ago I emptied my newly refilled mug of steaming hot tea all over the desk...but it really doesn't matter. The day is mine anyway.

Attitude

This one goes out to people who know how to change bad situations into good using their attitude. Like this morning when I did´t hear the alarm clock and woke up one and a half hours to late, biked as if my life was in danger (probably endangering it), missed the second bus anyway and screwed up the whole morning. Feeling like a complete failure I was then met at work by a photographer in a great mood, saying things like lugna puckar - no worries and now that the day started so bad it can only get better. See, attitude is really everything. Especially when it comes to people around you.

I might as well remember it cos its highly probable that I will be horribly late for something quite important some day again.

And you might as well remember it cos it's quite possible that it will happen to you too.

Or to anyone near you and then you will know that the best thing is to say Lugna puckar.

This summer is in ways very intense. Maybe a week ago I was about to cycle across a road in the night time, fast music in my ears and a good feeling in my stomach, when I found myself suddenly becoming cautious, reluctantly breaking in front of the pavement. Then I heard myself thinking Please don´t get run over by a car right now when you love life so much
Yesterday though, I really did almost get run over, but my body was to tired to pump around any adrenalin.

I found a store selling things-forgotten-on-the-train and was amased by what people once forgot. Bought a nice pink t-shirt I imagine was left by a girl with beach blond hair who likes surfing and who isn't afraid of sharks like I am. She would never think Please dont get eaten by a shark today - she would just chase the next wave.

Through to the other side.

Ok. So I admit it. It happened and I survived. Turned out the ground that I rested upon wasn't a house after all. I don't even think I am resting. I long to move, to reach for things, places, rythms and people to see them more clearly.

I didn't even cry when the keys were handed over to the quiet young man with the smile in the corner of his mouth. The shell of my past his future. Maybe some things are just to basic to grasp in one mind: like the passing of time, the passing of houses, the passing of people.

As for now I think I have a bit of a crush on the future.

to come: notes on the currently ongoing summer