Autumn

The summer is drawing to an end now, I have noticed something new in the air. People around me keep saying how they want summer to go on.
A year ago I wrote about autumn: ... my favourite season. Altough I love that crisp smell in the air, the changing colours, the hunt for mushrooms and blackberries and the naked feeling of entering a cold lake or sea, knowing it´s probably for the last time...it has a tendency to depress me a bit.

This year I feel an excitement in that cold smell in the air, and embrace the new season... soon mushrooms and blackberries will be picked and find their place in this tiny kitchen.

In am writing this evening. I have been looking at pictures of the Eiffel tower in Paris for inspiration. I think I am really onto something great. I will feel it linger in the room as I go to bed in a minute.

The levellers made this song called The battle of the bean field. Yesterday I seriously battled with my phobia of huge-slimy-orange-slugs whilts harvesting three different kinds of beans in the fields in Mölndal.

circus

Tonight I felt like running away with the circus.

I saw these women turning and twisting their bodies, hanging upside down in knots and they made it look like dancing.

Anything is possible I thought. I can go wherever I want to. I can do everything I dream of.

(except maybe hanging upside down in a knot but I dont really fancy doing that anyway.)

If you don't want some kind of revolution I can't dance with you

So I checked out this internet dating thing because it seems to be where people hang out these days. (and also because I have made a sport out of finding other things to do in front of the computer rather than work.)

It depressed me a bit, browsing through all these people looking for love.
They all like to cosy up at home and to have nice dinners, have a coffee in town or a beer with their friends. They go on weekend trips to Paris and wish they had more time to travel. They like to run and lift weights, and some of them own sail boats.
They are nice and have a positive outlook on life and a good sense of humour (and skelletons in their wardrobes for sure). And they are all looking for someone who is just the same. Is that what it is all about??

Where is the passion? Does no one want to change the world or make some hard-to-achieve dream come true?

(The author Sadie Smith once gave her advice on how to write a novel: Use a computer without internet connection.)

another place

Today I started bringing up things from the basement, and reluctantly unpackning some boxes. I also realised it's time to put the books back in the shelf. It's kind of depressing to wake up and stare at an empty shelf and a blank wall, and I need to be happy right now.

I still have the feeling that I am just passing through this place.

Practised breaking in the driving lesson today. Went better than starting. Ten days left til I have to know it all.

Lately...

... Ive been keeping myself busy. Head and mind still floating a bit but the summer is pressing itself into my awareness and Im finding it hard to ignore it's beauty, although Im struggling with things right now.

Like making time for all those things I need to do within the next two weeks, one of which is learing how to safely drive a car. Lets just say I am not quite there yet...

Good things lately:
sushi on my sisters balcony
finally dancing again at friskisåsvettis
finding a caraway plant
the first swim in the ocean, and the bike ride with paulina.
laughing and talking with sara today.
realising what a difference it makes to your heart to be around people who acknowledge that you are special to them.
joining two different farming co operatives, of which I will tell you more later on

Highpoint today: the funny youtubevideo that sara showed me/the asian cabbage mixed seeds
Mission: learn all the rules of driving, write article proposals, put the seeds ina box, recycle, do the washing up

Whats next?

Im trying to focus. Have a tendency to get stuck on things, like an idea, a person or an idea of a person. (Or a TV show.)

Right now my body has moved faster than my mind, which is still in a place far far away, involving trees, fields and ponies. I am pottering about, trying to do things while I am waiting for it to reach where I am now. There is so much to do in this place.

The home coming was glorious. My first day started with a walk, in which I discovered an amazing new community garden, basically in my back yard, where I was greeted by three tiny piglets with wet pink noses that have replaced the old and smelly pigs.

Then a friend came over to say hi and sit on my balcony and eat a cake that she brought. Then another friend came, and then a third one. They kept on coming until the whole thing turned into a delightful (although still slightly jet lagged) surprise pic nic and we had to move into the garden.

In case you worry - don't. The old pigs were moved to an apple orchard on the Hisingen island and will live a long and healthy life, and maybe have babies.

Mission: await the mind. Focus. Sort out pictures and start writing. Then have some fun at the street party.

I put up some bolivian flags above my window.

Im throwing

... a party.

In three weeks. I wonder if anyone can come. And I wonder if everyone can come, how will I fit them all into my apartment?

I wonder a lot of things. And I want a lot of things. Right now a glass of water, and to go and lie on the sofa and read for a little while.

A Skype conversation

[23:44:00] mary.hedman: eh...hello?
[23:45:25] soupjunkie: hello there! it is I and not Marge! I'm working away into the night with some tunes playing
[23:46:05] mary.hedman: sounds good...Im just off to bed - been struggling with the critique...
[23:46:43] soupjunkie: critique of?
[23:47:41] mary.hedman: oh, peeps working for an aid organisation, as media people'
[23:48:07] mary.hedman: hm, ure too slow...
[23:48:23] mary.hedman: Im going to bed - up early for more driving toimorrow
[23:48:34] soupjunkie: i find i have to wait till the other person finishes until i can answer
[23:48:46] soupjunkie: otherwise its in the middle of what they're saying
[23:49:00] soupjunkie: enjoy the driving! keep on the road and not in the snow
[23:49:02] mary.hedman: oh but isnt that what its like -
[23:49:08] mary.hedman: when ones talking?
[23:49:15] soupjunkie: yup
[23:49:24] soupjunkie: but its a strange
[23:49:25] soupjunkie: way
[23:49:26] soupjunkie: of
[23:49:28] mary.hedman: Oh I sucked today!
[23:49:28] soupjunkie: getting
[23:49:29] soupjunkie: a
[23:49:35] soupjunkie: conversation
[23:49:36] soupjunkie: going
[23:49:47] mary.hedman: I panicked every time I saw something coming at me-
[23:49:52] mary.hedman: no I dont agree
[23:50:01] mary.hedman: or something moving on the sidewalk
[23:50:14] mary.hedman: and forgot to keep in the middle of the road
[23:50:18] mary.hedman: and everything else...
[23:50:22] soupjunkie: ah
[23:50:32] soupjunkie: but learning is a frustrating process
[23:50:37] mary.hedman: yes...
[23:50:39] soupjunkie: you'll get it
[23:50:44] soupjunkie: like riding a bike
[23:50:48] soupjunkie: and you do that a lot
[23:50:53] soupjunkie: without thinking about it
[23:51:05] mary.hedman: Thing is, it feels dangerous. Ive never learnet anything that could get me killed in the process before!
[23:51:11] soupjunkie: well cycling
[23:51:22] soupjunkie: swimming....
[23:51:24] soupjunkie: with sharks
[23:51:26] mary.hedman: nope
[23:51:28] mary.hedman: nope
[23:51:29] soupjunkie: flying
[23:51:39] soupjunkie: cooking?
[23:51:40] mary.hedman: I dont know how to fly!
[23:51:43] soupjunkie: svamping
[23:51:50] soupjunkie: defo svamping
[23:51:51] mary.hedman: I just buy the ticket and go to the airport
[23:52:01] mary.hedman: haha
[23:52:12] soupjunkie: poetry?
[23:52:23] soupjunkie: somebody might not like the poem
[23:52:27] soupjunkie: thats dangerous

[23:52:29] mary.hedman: Driven over by a poem u mean?
[23:52:30] soupjunkie: especially in glasgow
[23:52:38] soupjunkie: could happen
[23:52:46] soupjunkie: there's a lot of angry peeople about
[23:53:04] mary.hedman: but there are no signs to write into or dogs to write over...
[23:53:22] soupjunkie: ah but surely the pen is mightier than the car?
[23:53:41] mary.hedman: I defo like the pen much better.
[23:53:49] soupjunkie: or the keybaord
[23:53:54] mary.hedman: but I think the car would win in a fight.
[23:54:00] soupjunkie: yup
[23:54:05] soupjunkie: right
[23:54:06] mary.hedman: unless the pen got stuck somewhere important in the engine...
[23:54:14] soupjunkie: or exploded the tyres
[23:54:22] soupjunkie: and stopped the car getting at the pen
[23:54:39] soupjunkie: or the ink exploded and the car skidded off course
[23:54:45] soupjunkie: pen wins
[23:54:51] mary.hedman: also it depends on what kind of pen you would use I suppose...
[23:54:59] soupjunkie: plus you could write rude things over the loser car
[23:55:03] soupjunkie: or scratch them
[23:55:16] soupjunkie: so driving a car is nothing compared to writing
[23:55:26] mary.hedman: But then the things I am inside the car and so I dont want it off course!
[23:55:43] mary.hedman: Ok, bedtime.
[23:55:53] soupjunkie: sleep and dream well my dear.
[23:56:00] mary.hedman: u to kram
[23:56:16] soupjunkie: i have an electric blanket and pj trousers now
[23:56:21] mary.hedman: great
[23:56:21] soupjunkie: glasgow in jan
[23:56:27] soupjunkie: kram kram
[23:56:46] mary.hedman: I have to get a hot water bottel nxt time in the uk...
[23:56:56] mary.hedman: bye, I mean
[23:56:57] soupjunkie: none in sweden?
[23:57:04] mary.hedman: no
[23:57:51] mary.hedman: yawn...
[23:57:52] soupjunkie: ok sorry bye bye night night don't let the bed bugs bite, if they do, do a poo and put it in a cornish stew - little sleeping rhyme i learnt as a child. kram
[23:58:04] mary.hedman: kram

ishoos

So how do one deal with ones issues once one´s got a clue what they are?

Any suggestions will be happily recieved.

(Dreaming of running away in a mini bus amidst palm trees and the sound of a surf. )

(Feeling like not enough.)

glasgow

Sometimes calmness is found in other places. This city is both known and unfamiliar to me. A restlessness has sunken down into the bottom of my stomach were it lies peaceful.

highpoint: falling asleep in the september sunshine under the strongest and most beautiful angel in the necropolis, on the hill where she sits overlooking the city.

everything unknown

Today I was hanging out with one of the smallest persons on this earth. She rocked.
Then all of a sudden I became aware of the fact that everyone walking by on the street had been that small, and how weird it is when u think about it. I was also thinking about how everything is unknown when you see it for the first time. Like a chair - to a baby it's not even a mystery, you just accept it as a fascinating part of a world that grows bigger everyday.

moving out...

Some days ago my sister and I spoke about comfort zones, and how they can be a safe enclosure. Then yesterday I found a book that was given to me almost ten years ago. In the front cover my friend agnes has written: "It says somewehere in this book that decisions should be made out of courage, not fear." And so I moved out of comfort zone to do just that.
Was it a good or a bad thing? Time will tell.

Highpoint: moving out of the comfort zone
Lowpoint: worrying about what it will or will not mean

I was going to tell you about some things I noticed lateley, but instead I will leave you with this video:

It is from the village Nuevo San Jose in Guatemala where I once met this girl named Katie. She took me into a hen house to show me how the birds sang in the dark.

Later that week I tried to climb a small montain to impress her, but fell down and scratched my arm instead. "Boys are show offs" she said as we watched a guy climb all the way up.

"Girls are too" I thought as I wiped the mud from my arms and legs.

About the now: tooth ache. Someone let the air out of my bike tires last saturday, and stole the basket. A tomato going red on the balcony. Writing cheesy things, mostly.

A sort of restlessness has crept up on me, a feeling of not being content, the intensity of the summer momentarily overshadowed. I think it´s the autumn, my favourite season. Altough I love that crisp smell in the air, the changing colours, the hunt for mushrooms and blackberries and the naked feeling of entering a cold lake or sea, knowing it´s probably for the last time...it has a tendency to depress me a bit.

Went around town aimlessly trying on clothes yesterday, not really knowing what I needed and not wanting to get anything that I don´t need. Got into that whole who am I really mood in front of all the mirrors. So many people you could be on the outside.

This is me some weeks ago, trying on a dress for almost twenty minutes. The cool thing about it that you probably don´t notice is that it has a pattern of tiny farmers on it.

(But I didnt get it. The time is yet to come when you will see me in a white fluffy dress.)

Knock on wood

This morning everything went very well: I managed to sell my camera at twelve a clock and then had time to put the money in the bank, get a fallefel for lunch, retrieve my repaired mobile phone AND making it in time for the one a clock train to work. All the while I heard this little stupid voice in my ear: now that the day started so well it can only get worse...

...and five minutes ago I emptied my newly refilled mug of steaming hot tea all over the desk...but it really doesn't matter. The day is mine anyway.

Attitude

This one goes out to people who know how to change bad situations into good using their attitude. Like this morning when I did´t hear the alarm clock and woke up one and a half hours to late, biked as if my life was in danger (probably endangering it), missed the second bus anyway and screwed up the whole morning. Feeling like a complete failure I was then met at work by a photographer in a great mood, saying things like lugna puckar - no worries and now that the day started so bad it can only get better. See, attitude is really everything. Especially when it comes to people around you.

I might as well remember it cos its highly probable that I will be horribly late for something quite important some day again.

And you might as well remember it cos it's quite possible that it will happen to you too.

Or to anyone near you and then you will know that the best thing is to say Lugna puckar.

This summer is in ways very intense. Maybe a week ago I was about to cycle across a road in the night time, fast music in my ears and a good feeling in my stomach, when I found myself suddenly becoming cautious, reluctantly breaking in front of the pavement. Then I heard myself thinking Please don´t get run over by a car right now when you love life so much
Yesterday though, I really did almost get run over, but my body was to tired to pump around any adrenalin.

I found a store selling things-forgotten-on-the-train and was amased by what people once forgot. Bought a nice pink t-shirt I imagine was left by a girl with beach blond hair who likes surfing and who isn't afraid of sharks like I am. She would never think Please dont get eaten by a shark today - she would just chase the next wave.

Through to the other side.

Ok. So I admit it. It happened and I survived. Turned out the ground that I rested upon wasn't a house after all. I don't even think I am resting. I long to move, to reach for things, places, rythms and people to see them more clearly.

I didn't even cry when the keys were handed over to the quiet young man with the smile in the corner of his mouth. The shell of my past his future. Maybe some things are just to basic to grasp in one mind: like the passing of time, the passing of houses, the passing of people.

As for now I think I have a bit of a crush on the future.

to come: notes on the currently ongoing summer

small things

This is me and my friend sara watching the tiniest ducklings ever to be seen in the castle park of Göteborg, making their way through the water weeds and hunting mini mosquitos. There is something about small things that makes me want to take them in my palm and have them. A feeling that I have the right to, somehow.

We walked for nearly two hours and it rained on us and I felt a lot calmer afterwards.

Highpoint: the walk and the ducklings. finding a painting I made 14 years ago. saras flatmates cat relactantly letting me stroke it. the omelet that sara made. all the activities on the balcony.

Lowpoint: feeling restless and unsatisfied and worrying about the future.

Mission: a good nights sleep. Getting through the things I have in front of me this weekend and maybe do some dancing in between. Experience more magic moments.

skyes opening orange

Can´t really draw a picture of the perfectness of this day but here it is in points:

made breakfast, listening to Nat King Cole and pretending I was a B n B, while bobo kept sleeping.

Had breakfast with 3 good friends on balcony.

Wore new orange sweater.¨

Sun in the neck.

Saved someone from a giant wasp, without killing it.

Walk in the park and watched seals being fed fish.

Went to school and out again.

Walked with selma and Bike home.

Invited mum and katarina for apple pie on the balcony.

Discovered baby birds in one of the air shafts of the house.

Did laundry.

Then a sudden longing to be sucked into something otherworldy kicked in, for being enclosed in a dark, safe space, believing in vampires and the power of impossible love and in being able to fly.
Went out in the storm while the skies opened, wanting a feeling of exhaustion in my stomach or to find a world of magic and old times and dark hovering castles, roaring seas, good versus evil.

(Now I am sitting here with a movie about great white sharks threatening the entire human race. Or at least California.)